Too Little, Too Late

I know that concept well, it’s everything I know right now, it’s everything I have to deal with in the present, it’s what my family is doing now, it’s what I hate, people who wait ten years to show that they care, they wait your whole life to contact you. I have friends who have done that, family who have, and pretty much anyone else. and it’s not good being on the receiving end…I try not to do that, I’ve always tried to keep it the same, consistent, I’ve always tried to show people who much I care, and that they are important to me, that they are loved and that there’s someone out there’s who knows they exist, but I try to do this because I know what its like to be the one who is on the receiving end or maybe should I say there is no receiving end, thats the problem, I know what its like to be unloved, to be invisible, to have no one care, no one to turn to, no one to have call you to see if you are ok, being invisible is like being a ghost, you see and hear everything, but no one sees you no one can hear you, no one knows your there so they don’t care, you are watching their life in Technicolor, bright vivid colors every detail. but to them you don’t exist.

growing up my family was a very cold (physically) we didn’t touch, give hugs, or anything like that, but we had friends who did, I know some of it is because it’s a carry over from my dad’s side of the family, of which we are Norwegian decent, as most people know they are very cold people, as my dad would say “I don’t know how they even have children”  hope that gives you an idea of just how cold they are. well my family was no different, it was a very isolating childhood.

but back to the topic; its like my family is trying to make up for lost time, and they’ve gone from one extreme to the other, now everyone is giving everyone hugs ALL THE TIME!!! don’t get me wrong, I LOVE HUGS, there is no one out there who loves hugs more than me!! but when it comes from people who have had nineteen years to give me a hug people I lived in the same house with for nineteen years, to me I”m so far past it, I’ve moved on, I found comfort in other people, I don’t need it from them anymore, maybe if they had been like ten years earlier I would have been fine, but now? no…..I”m done. what makes people think they can make up for lost time anyway? it’s in the past, you will never get it back, so don’t even try. To little, to late is something I deal with alot with my family, because I grew up in a very neglective childhood and now people are realizing somewhat the issues with that. all I want is for my family to stop trying. for my mom to stop coming into my room every time she gets home, for her to stop coming in my room at night and just sitting there, for her to stop giving me a hug and saying
i love you” every night, for her to stop acting like she cares about what I do with my life. I want my family to stop thinking that I might talk to them, I wan them to stop asking questions they have no business asking or getting an answer to. I want them to just stop…..its tiring and exhausting…..I can’t handle much more of it! I just want it all to end, I think the worse part about life is the people.

My Immortal – The Past, The Memory Part I

I want the past to be gone, to disappear, to be no more, I want the past to die.

yet I can’t get away from it, it fallows me wherever I go, it’s their haunting me, never letting me sleep. the pain is just to real, there is too much that time can not erase. so it remains with me, the song I posted on here are my exact words.

If I could forget the past I think my life would be better, but its like people who have PTSD or flashbacks of something that was traumatic in their life, I have these memories, these flashbacks of sorts, I can’t get away from my past, no matter how hard I try, I just want my memory gone, I don’t want a memory, its only gotten me in trouble, its only hurt me and other people, its done nothing but bad, nothing but hurt and pain. yet as much as I want to will it away, it will not leave, its in me…..forever. but the pain it’s caused, I think, is more permanent than the memories……for the pain radiated out from me and affected everyone around me….but most of all……me. I’m so damaged, so marred, all because of my memory.

this is kind of a frantic post….not really sure where it will go, I just started typing. but like i said, the song at the bottom is what my life with my memory is like.

 

 

Know when to walk away/let go

These two blog posts I found are both really good. the first one is about knowing when to let go, the second one is about knowing when to walk away. both very well written and very understandable.

http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2012/02/28/knowing-when-to-let-go/

 

Knowing When to Walk Away

Depression: Isolation

my depression was the result of a lot of things, and one of those was Isolation. starting when my family started traveling I became increasingly more and more isolated from my friends, and ended up losing most of my friends, rejection is not something I can handle, I remember lying in bed every night, listening to music and crying.  Because I wasn’t close with my family my friends were all I had and when I lost my best friend it was the worst thing I had ever been through, and the worst part was that I was not able to find out for sure until I was seventeen whether or not she wanted to be friends or not, so the uncertainty of not knowing piled on top of rejection, and everything going on at home, was just way to much for me to handle emotionally, and mentally, and it spiraled downward  from there.

the other isolation issue I have was coming from my mom (and ultimately my siblings too) my mom and I never got along (we are complete polar opposites, yet we have the exact same personality) I always had a different point of view on everything, so there fore I was wrong, everything I wanted from clothes to my own bedroom was wrong (telling or making your child feel like their wrong if they don’t agree with you will breed a questioning mindset, they will learn to question their life choices, their morals, their own existence, question their relationships, friendships, question their identity (because you have not let them create their own identity outside of your, you have become their only identity) question what they believe and ultimately question everything in their life, and that is not a good kind of questioning, believe me I know, I’ve lived with that mindset for the last nineteen years, depression and sometimes suicide is what it leads to)  so thus the isolation issue. My mom telling/making me feel like I was wrong whenever i expressed my opinion or whenever I wanted something that she didn’t like, caused me to just keep quiet instead of telling my opinion, and to just take what she liked, this lead to an identity crisis that has lasted for pretty much my entire teenaged years, and it is something I am still looking for. my mom also had a habit that my siblings picked-up on, the most common phrase I heard when my opinion or something I believed didn’t agree with my mom or siblings was “well that’s just you,”  there fore discounting anything valid I might have to say and since my mind did not have adequate training to think what was going on I didn’t realize what they were putting into my brain, this is where the isolation got really bad, by telling me I was the only one who thought that way,  they were telling me in my sub-conscious that I really was the only one in the world who was like that, who thought like that, who was like that.  And being trained to TOTALLY believe and NOT question my parents, and not being capable to think for myself, I TOTALLY believed my mom  and all my siblings, and looking back I don’t understand how I didn’t see it, how I didn’t understand what they were really saying, what was really going on, but if you understand my childhood and what my family believed about raising children it makes TOTAL sense! but that is another story for another time.

Isolation and rejection are two of the biggest reason for my depression (but not the only) and I still struggle with them to this day, though it is just a little bit easier to let go of friends. The isolation part I am still having to deal with on a regular basis especially as I grow up and become my own person separate from my parents, forming my own beliefs and life choices apart from my family, but it has not gotten any easier,  it is a constant struggle for me.