What I Believe

This article is to tell you all what I believe:

I believe in God and I was baptized and I confessed in my heart. I am a Christian of that I have no doubt, no matter what people say.
I grew up in a Christian home, we went to church EVERY Sunday, I can’t remember the last time my family missed a service. I am very familiar with all different denominations, as I have friends from all most every one of the major Christian denominations.

I however have different beliefs from my family and most of my friends, I don’t believe God should control every area of my life, like I’m not going to ask God what I should do with my life, or what I should eat, or go to college, or who I should marry, or where I should move. And part of that not wanting God to control my life comes from how I grew up, so it’s probably just me. Bottom line?
I believe in God and I’m a Christian and I will go to heaven when I die, I believe in the bible, I believe that there is a heaven and hell, and that everyone of us is going to be in one of those two places when we die…..there are times when I need to know God’s there, or when I need some help, he is there. But that is as far as it goes. So those are my personal beliefs about God.

I believe we all have a choice. we get to choose who we marry or don’t, we get to choose what we do with our life, we get to choose if we live or die, we choose if we go to heaven or hell (but you don’t just decide when you die and get to the judgement seat, it has to be a choice made here on this earth, you either reject God or you receive him and become a Christian, but you have to truly believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is Lord God, and that the bible is the inherent word of God) ultimately we have the choice. In every area of life.

You have a choice in life

A View of the World

My view of the world:

The trees have died
The grass is brown
The sky is black
The flowers are wilted
The cities are sinking into the ground and disappearing
The entire existence of the human race is living and breathing while I’m suffocating and drowning, and no one notices, no one sees, no one care.

I’ve heart so many people, I’ve let don’t my parents in almost everything

I’ve tried to hold onto people when I should have had the sense to let them go
I’ve misunderstood things that i heart people with
I’ve trusted people I should NEVER have
I will never be able to get away from myself
I’m angry at my parents for….well a lot of things
I’m holding someone else’s secret inside
I’m just done living with myself and hurting other people

I’m
Just
Done

Depression: Isolation

my depression was the result of a lot of things, and one of those was Isolation. starting when my family started traveling I became increasingly more and more isolated from my friends, and ended up losing most of my friends, rejection is not something I can handle, I remember lying in bed every night, listening to music and crying.  Because I wasn’t close with my family my friends were all I had and when I lost my best friend it was the worst thing I had ever been through, and the worst part was that I was not able to find out for sure until I was seventeen whether or not she wanted to be friends or not, so the uncertainty of not knowing piled on top of rejection, and everything going on at home, was just way to much for me to handle emotionally, and mentally, and it spiraled downward  from there.

the other isolation issue I have was coming from my mom (and ultimately my siblings too) my mom and I never got along (we are complete polar opposites, yet we have the exact same personality) I always had a different point of view on everything, so there fore I was wrong, everything I wanted from clothes to my own bedroom was wrong (telling or making your child feel like their wrong if they don’t agree with you will breed a questioning mindset, they will learn to question their life choices, their morals, their own existence, question their relationships, friendships, question their identity (because you have not let them create their own identity outside of your, you have become their only identity) question what they believe and ultimately question everything in their life, and that is not a good kind of questioning, believe me I know, I’ve lived with that mindset for the last nineteen years, depression and sometimes suicide is what it leads to)  so thus the isolation issue. My mom telling/making me feel like I was wrong whenever i expressed my opinion or whenever I wanted something that she didn’t like, caused me to just keep quiet instead of telling my opinion, and to just take what she liked, this lead to an identity crisis that has lasted for pretty much my entire teenaged years, and it is something I am still looking for. my mom also had a habit that my siblings picked-up on, the most common phrase I heard when my opinion or something I believed didn’t agree with my mom or siblings was “well that’s just you,”  there fore discounting anything valid I might have to say and since my mind did not have adequate training to think what was going on I didn’t realize what they were putting into my brain, this is where the isolation got really bad, by telling me I was the only one who thought that way,  they were telling me in my sub-conscious that I really was the only one in the world who was like that, who thought like that, who was like that.  And being trained to TOTALLY believe and NOT question my parents, and not being capable to think for myself, I TOTALLY believed my mom  and all my siblings, and looking back I don’t understand how I didn’t see it, how I didn’t understand what they were really saying, what was really going on, but if you understand my childhood and what my family believed about raising children it makes TOTAL sense! but that is another story for another time.

Isolation and rejection are two of the biggest reason for my depression (but not the only) and I still struggle with them to this day, though it is just a little bit easier to let go of friends. The isolation part I am still having to deal with on a regular basis especially as I grow up and become my own person separate from my parents, forming my own beliefs and life choices apart from my family, but it has not gotten any easier,  it is a constant struggle for me.

Why?

I just want to let all ya know why I started this blog.

 

I have friends who struggle with depression, I have friends who’ve had to or are dealing with suicide, I have friends who struggle with anxiety, self-harm, self-hatred, eating disorders,  rejection,  isolation, abuse (verbal, mental, spiritual, emotional) I have friends who struggle with hopelessness,  and the list goes on.

I struggle with depression, I have had to deal with or are dealing with suicide, I have to deal with anxiety, self-harm, self-hatred, rejection, hopelessness, isolation, mental abuse, spiritual abuse,  I struggle with the numbness of depression.

I think that we all have to get through this journey together, cause none of us are alone in this life, we need each other. I want my story to help others just like me, going through the same things, suffering through whatever it may be, And maybe, just maybe we can help each other, either by telling our stories or by sharing how we got through something or by telling what we’ve learned. I think all our stories no matter how small, how sad, how depressed,  or how belittled your story was, they ALL are true, and all of them matter, cause each story is just as REAL as the next, just as VALID as the next, don’t ever let anyone tell you different.